Expressing Concerns: What to say
Here are sample dialogues to give you ideas. There is no one right way to approach your loved one. Remember, as a carer, you have a right and are encouraged to say how you feel, what you want and why you want it in a constructive way.
Friend or family member dialogue with an adult
Family member/friend: "I am worried about you. I see you skipping lunch. I smelled vomit in the bathroom after you left the bathroom last night. I think you need help with this."
Individual with eating problems: minimizes or denies your observation.
Family member/friend: "I hear what you are saying, but I see things differently. I am concerned about your health, and I believe you should talk to someone even if you don't think there is a problem."
Individual with eating problems: refuses to cooperate
Family member/friend: "I understand that you don't see a problem here. I can understand that you might not want me interfering in your life or bringing in outsiders to help, but sometimes professional help can be very useful. I brought the website address for the National Eating Disorders Association, so you can get more information on eating disorders."
(from Parent Partner Program tm, Haltom and Travis, eds. et al 2008)
Parent dialogue with an adolescent
Parent: "I want to talk to you about something important. Is this a good time to talk?"
Adolescent with eating problems: OK.
Parent: "I love you, and I am worried about some things I have seen. I have missed you at the dinner table this past month. I saw you leave the house before school today to go out running and then you were out running again last night. This happens most days."
Adolescent with eating problems: "I can't talk about this – I hate this conversation."
Parent: "I can see this is hard for you. Let's take a break right now and talk again later. How about after you get home from school today?
Adolescent with eating problems: Fine.
Later that day after school
Adolescent with eating problems: "I am going down the street to see Katie now."
Parent: We talked about reconnecting after school when I spoke to you this morning about my concerns. Let's talk now just for a little bit. What do you think about what I shared this morning?"
Adolescent with eating problems: There's nothing wrong. I am really fine. You are just worrying too much. You always worry too much about me.
Parent: I do worry about you because I love you. I still want to know your thoughts about missing meals and exercising so much lately. What do you think?
Adolescent with eating problems: You always tell me it's important to take care of our bodies and be fit. And I am trying out for track in a month, so I have to get in shape. I want to make the team.
Parent: Yes, taking care of our bodies is important, but it is also important to do that by exercising in moderation and taking in nutrition to support that exercise. I know making the team is important to you and want to support you. But I don't want to support over-exercise and a lack of good nutrition. You need lots of energy when you are an athlete. Good nutrition helps you have energy and build strong muscles. How about we make a plan to be sure you are eating balanced, healthy meals and also exercising moderately in order to increase your fitness? We can talk with the track coach for his ideas too, if you want.
Adolescent with eating problems: My eating and exercising are fine, and you are not talking with the coach. That would be really embarrassing. I don't need to make changes. I can take care of myself. I am really fine.
Parent: I know you think you are fine, but I am concerned you are not fine, especially since you are not able to discuss a plan with me to ensure your health. I want you to think about what I have said, and I will talk to you again after dinner about this. I am worried you are developing an eating disorder. I might be wrong, but I would like Dr. Smith's (pediatrician) opinion about all this. You let me know how you want to handle this.
Dialogue between two friends
Friend: "Can we stand over here for a minute so we can talk privately?"
Individual with eating problems: What is going on?
Friend: "I am not sure how to say this, but I am going to because I care about you. Do you remember when I came into the bathroom when you were in there last Saturday? I know you were throwing up. I also noticed that when we eat lunch together you eat very little these days. I really want you to see a counselor or your doctor about your eating."
Individual with eating problems: "I can't do that."
Friend: "I am not sure why you think that I would be happy to go with you to a doctor or counselor or even help you make an appointment."
Individual with eating problem: "I will think about it."
Friend: "OK. I am here to talk when you are ready."
