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Approaching Your Loved One with Concerns

Here are six points to consider before you talk to your loved one
(These are adapted from "I'm, Like, So Fat!" by Dianne Neumark-Sztainer, PhD [2005].)

  1. Prepare for your conversation. Read about eating disorders on this website and others. Pick up books on eating disorders for family, friends and carers listed at www.gurze.com or from your library. Consult with a professional knowledgeable about eating disorders and get advice about how to approach your loved one. If it is up to you, decide which professionals you hope to turn to for an evaluation.
  2. Define the purpose of your upcoming conversation. Do you want to open up communication? Do you want to express your feelings about specific behaviors you have observed? Do you want your loved one to seek professional help? Decide before you speak to your loved one so you stay on track while communicating.
  3. Choose the best time and place. Talk privately in a relaxed setting when both of you has time. Group confrontations can be overwhelming and stressful. Wait until you feel relaxed not angry, frustrated or overwhelmed. People with eating disorders can be defensive and distressed when you call attention to their eating, exercise, weight, or body image problems. Your confidence and relaxed approach can facilitate a more productive conversation.
  4. Identify specific behaviors you have personally observed, e.g., "I have seen you throw your lunch away most days this week after everyone leaves the table." Use "I" statements. It is hard to argue with factual observations. It is much easier for your loved one to argue with accusations and opinions. Those with disordered eating behaviors may be fearful of discovery, ashamed, embarrassed and/or defensive.
  5. Remain calm and be patient. Your loved one may not be calm. If you are prepared, you can remain so. It is sometimes better to open the door to conversation by keeping the initial conversation short. You can return to further conversation later, especially if your loved one is upset or angry. Be patient. If you get pulled into an argument, take a deep breath and start again or wait until a later time in the near future.
  6. Work toward the aim of getting a professional evaluation. If your loved one is a child or teen, you can decide that professional help will be sought in response to your concerns. If your teen does not see the value in getting help you will need to insist on professional help, especially if safety is a concern.